When ever I’m driving and I hit a curb I say- “Rubbin’ is racin’.”

I hate sea gulls.

I have to admit, I’m not really comfortable with how frequently I watch Step Up 2 and enjoy it.

On boxes of girl scout cookies, it says that the serving size is 2 cookies. That’s incorrect. Minimum serving size, minimum, is at least 4 cookies, not feeling like you’ve had enough and then going back and eating at least 2 more. If they want the serving size to be only two cookies, make the damn cookies bigger.

I did an extensive impression of Oprah this morning that left me very sweaty and winded. 

If I try to consume hot and cold things in the same sitting I get tiny throw up.

Crows are assholes.

And that’s what I think about that.

If no one is around, I can parallel park just fine. One try, nail it. This evening I went to the store, coming back I see the neighbor walking his dog as I’m pulling up to park, and end up doing something that couldn’t have even possibly resembled parallel parking. Stupid. I decided that if I get done embarrassing myself trying to park before he makes it out of obligatory greeting distance I’ll just act like I’m drunk. He was long gone before I got done correcting the shit storm job of parking I was working on. 

Driving around, there’s so many people that don’t use their blinkers. I’m pretty sure that’s not optional. Dicks. 

I’m going to eat some chips really loud and annoyingly now to be a dick and let out my frustration at how annoying other people are. No one is around though so my irritating act of defiance (pretty bad ass revenge, huh?) is forgivable. I’ll decide.

I sleep with the tv on because I’m a pussy and I’m afraid of the dark. I always have it on cartoon network overnight because I can watch Adult Swim before bed and know that I will not wake up to any shitty informercials- either in the middle of the night or in the morning. I usually wake up to Merrie Melodies. This morning I woke up and watched Wyle E. Coyote trying to catch the roadrunner with all the crap he orders from Acme. I thought- “where in the hell does he get all the money to order all that shit?” My favorite theory was Wyle E. Coyote is the idiot son of a mafia boss and wants to join. Daddy doesn’t want to hear him complaining, but he’s too big of an idiot to do anything right. He gives him a job to go kill the roadrunner, making son think he’s a part of the mafia and daddy has him out of his hair to carry on business as usual. It would also explain where he gets the money to buy all the shit because his dad would have lots of money. 

My phone, my computer and my digital camera have all crapped out within the last week. I did a hard reset on my phone, now it’s good. I did a system restore on my computer, and now it’s working shittier. I don’t even know what to do about the camera. Smash it to bits and call it a day? That’s sounding like a pretty good idea right now. And then take a 12 hour sadness nap and hope that all my technological gadgets magically work again when I wake up. Why’s all my shit gotta go down the shitter? Son of a bitch in hell. 

I haven’t got a new phone in a hundred years. (Give or take 97 years) I was going to go get a new phone today so I spent a lot of time doing some research on the various phone providers and phones available. I got it narrowed down and had the provider, plan and phone picked out. I go to the phone store, find the phone I had decided on and it says a higher price than what I had previously found it to be. I stopped a salesman and asked him why the price was different. He says something about how online they can offer it for free because it’s coming from a warehouse but in the store it costs that much. He also goes on to inform me about how the plan prices are not as they seem, they are actually more. If you get a free phone, you have to pay a higher plan per month charge, but if you pay full price for the phone, you can get that plan advertised that costs less. I said, “that’s bullshit.” He goes on to try to tell me it actually isn’t and then says, “let me try to think of a way to explain this so it makes sense.” As if I don’t fucking get it. It makes sense. Either way I’m getting bent over on the prices because of bull shit advertising that waits to tell you the truth until it’s almost too late to change your mind. Here’s where the self control comes in. What I want to do, physically harm the salesman for insinuating that I’m dumb in an attempt to try to explain this to me in a way that might trick me into agreeing to getting bent over. Possible consequence, I get in trouble for attacking a stranger. What I choose to do- swear at the salesman, shout to Bill- “let’s leave,” and walk out of the store. This happened probably about 5 hours ago and I still want to punch a stranger in the face and break things. It was really hard not to do that the whole way out of the store. Hit people and kick things over. Maybe I should just keep my phone that’s old enough to be in preschool instead of phone shopping so I don’t end up in a legally required anger management program. 

Yesterday I went to the store and bought a ton of candy because it was the “Valentine’s day we gotta get rid of this shit now by putting it on super mega sale” candy. I got Jelly Bellies and today while taking a break from responsibilities and TCB (taking care of business) I decided that I would sort some out by colors and flavors to see if they really tasted like what they should. That’s really fucking frustrating to do when you can’t tell green and blue (and variations around that area) apart. Damn it, Jelly Belly, make a bag for color deficient people that just tells you what flavor it is. Stamped right on the side there. “You can’t tell because you can’t see it dumb-dumb, but this one is (green/blue color area), meaning it is flavored like (flavor in the green/blue color area).”

I just did my taxes. It felt like it took me a hundred years. I gotta do work to have taxes taken away from me automatically. Why can’t they just automatically send me the money back instead of me doing more work to get that money back? 

I’ve done my own taxes and I’ve also gone in places and had my taxes done for me. It depends what I would prefer doing less of at the time, work or save money. The last time I had my taxes done though I feel asleep at the person’s desk. Out cold. 

If there was an option of not having to deal with doing taxes ever and you would get your refund, but not all of it, a government ass raping fee of you getting your refunds while allowed to be lazy about it, I’d take it. I’ll work and take my checks with money automatically taken out as it already is, and then when it comes time to get the money back, just fucking send it to me. Keep a shiny quarter for yourself. I don’t care. I just fucking hate the process of doing taxes. I don’t care the money is taken out and I get back some of it. Filing tax returns is about as interesting and painful as listening to little kids singing and telling stories. I don’t wanna do it, it gives me a headache. Now would be a really good time to get drunk. That’s the good way to deal with problems.

I like to say douche bag things and then I laugh at myself for being such a douche bag. I dropped the “you’re mom” douchery. I was enjoying a little ”that’s what she said.” Lately all my douchey comments has been “like my johnson.” Once in a while I still throw in a “that’s what she said.” But I do like that stupidity of my johnson statement being as I am a girl and have no donger to speak of. I don’t know why I find being melodramatically dumb funny, but I amuse myself and being as I’m selfish with my sense of humor I do it anyway. I say selfish because I don’t care if you don’t think it’s funny. I’m laughing and having a good time. If you can’t laugh and joke about things or make fun of me for being a douche  bag, that’s not my problem. Either get a sense of humor or go away.

I’ll give you a little update on my life. Here is the part where if you are not interested, you click away from here. If you are curious, read on my friend.

- I moved over Christmas weekend. I had a 3 day weekend off of work and we got all of our crap moved in those awful three days. Bill has the heaviest furniture ever. If I were to buy furniture, it would be cheap Ikea crap that’s particle board, cheap, assemble yourself stuff that’s easier to move. Bill has to be all grown up and get nice furniture made out of real solid wood. That wasn’t the worst part though. The absolute worst was the huge, comfortable mattress that I enjoy sleeping on. That fucking thing is the most awful floppy thing to move. It’s awkward, nowhere to grab on to easily for carrying, it flops around, it’s heavy, it’s just awful to move. We moved to the third floor of an apartment so carrying that damn thing up to the third floor hurt me for days. I can carry things like a pack mule, get bumps and bruises and cuts and keep on going, but that fucking mattress is the worst. Anyway, new apartment- I love it. All settled in and not mad at having nice furniture around the place anymore.

-I’m too lazy to write fuck face reports. Every day I think, I want to write a fuck face report. I write myself notes of what I would write about. But after being at a computer all day at work it’s hard to come home and get back on a computer again.

-I had a recent severe addiction to Twin Peaks. I had to watch to whole first and second season in it’s entirety. I’ve never seen all of those all the way through. The ending to the second season finale made me so mad. I wanted to lay in bed afterwards with a bottle of whiskey. I was not happy with how it ended.

And that’s about it for my update on my life. Everything else is the same.

Yesterday morning it was raining and then it started snowing. I left early because I wanted to get to work early. Traffic was the worst. It took me over an hour of driving to get to work. There was at least one accident on every highway in the Seattle metropolitan area yesterday morning.

At work I get a little pop up notification from outlook every time I get an email. Yesterday it was like a constant blur of flashing of all the emails coming in. It was balls to the wall busy for me yesterday. I was stressed but I got it all done. I was going to stay late for being late, but I was so exhausted and crabby that I didn’t. I’ll stay late another day this week when I’m having a better day. It’s kind of nice to stay late because it gets so quiet. I listen to music or podcasts all day to drown out other people so I can just sit and work in quiet for a while.

That’s all for now, fuckers. Maybe after this long break and this ice breaking post I’ll write more fuck face reports. It’s something I enjoy doing and it’s been hard to get myself back on the saddle to write anything again. There are plenty of fuck faces to write about. I do spend a lot of time in traffic in Seattle.

I’m exhausted. Every person who is responsible for the design of every single road in and around the Seattle metropolitan area is a fuckwad and I hate them. Hey, dick heads, it fucking rains here. Take that into consideration while carrying out construction design of a road. The roads should not be slippery when it rains. Cars spin out tires and fish tail on roads when it rains. That’s not right. Then you get on the highway, similar situation and you get the added bonus of hydroplaning. What the fuck happened here? I’m so angry about the roads here. If it snows even a little bit I’m not going to be able to drive anywhere because of the hills. It’s difficult now for cars from rain. Seriously. Think a little. And then kiss my ass.

Here’s a summary of my drive home:

Parking lot of work to stop light that takes me to highway-

Posted speed limit: 40 mph

Distance: .3 miles

Time to drive that far in shit traffic: 10 minutes

Highway that takes me to I-405-

Posted speed limit: 60 mph

Distance: 2 miles

Time to drive that far in shit traffic: 10 minutes

The span of I-405 that I take-

Posted speed limit: 60 mph

Distance: 2 miles

Time to drive that far in shit traffic: 16 minutes

It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get home today. My drive is 22 miles. Fuck.